


all that you are (is all that i'll ever need)

by gayforuswnt



Category: Women's Soccer RPF
Genre: F/F, F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-07-16
Updated: 2020-03-26
Packaged: 2020-06-29 05:43:16
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 13,940
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19823725
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gayforuswnt/pseuds/gayforuswnt
Summary: college au in which christen transfers to unc and quickly makes a new best friend, but of course, it's waaaay more complicated than that.





	1. you touched me and it's almost like we knew

**Author's Note:**

> hi! this is the first time i've written anything in a long time but i've wanted to write it forever so hopefully it goes well. u can find me on tumblr @ gayforuswnt :)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi! it's been forever but i've wanted to write this for a while so i hope you guys enjoy!! you can find me on tumblr @ gayforuswnt

“Tobs, you have to get up. We’re on equipment duty today and you _know_ what happens if we don’t get everything to the field before warm ups.” Alex Morgan hovers over Tobin Heath’s bed, dressed head to toe in Carolina blue- excluding her headband, which is pink because she hasn’t played a soccer game without a pink headband since she was twelve and it’s “good luck!” 

Meanwhile, her best friend and roommate is still under the covers in a t-shirt and sweatpants when they should already be on their way to the field. Alex shakes Tobin again, and the midfielder finally sighs and sits up. “You said duty,” she grins, and then hops out of her bed to get ready for their game.

-

“Sooooo, what does this new girl look like?” Kelley O’Hara asks as she and Tobin pass a ball back and forth. Christen Press, a sophomore, decided to transfer from Stanford and she’d arrived in Chapel Hill today.

“Why, you trying to set yourself up with her before she even gets here?” 

“Hey, I’m not the one who spent hours watching highlights of all the goals she scored at Stanford!” 

“That was for business purposes,” Tobin rolls her eyes.

With perfect timing, Anson and the assistant coaches arrive with just twenty minutes to spare before gametime, and Christen Press is right behind them. Kelley is the first one up to introduce herself to Christen. She then goes down the line of girls on the team, naming each of them and repeating “This is Christen Press from Stanford!” over and over. 

Tobin’s standing away from the chaos, juggling a ball. She knows that their new teammate must be overwhelmed, so she doesn’t feel the need to pull a Kelley and bombard Christen. After all, she has her first game of sophomore year to focus on, not the new- and extremely pretty- girl on her team. Like, very pretty. She’s really good at soccer, too. And pretty. Wow.

“Tobin?” 

The midfielder is snapped out of her daze within a second, blinking a few times and seeing Kelley’s grinning face a foot away from her own. 

“Come on. Gametime.” Kelley says, walking towards their teammates. “Also, if you’re gonna stare at Christen like that, you may as well introduce yourself.” She adds, smirking. Tobin follows her and wonders how long she’d been looking at Christen, praying that nobody noticed. 

The girls get in line as the national anthem plays, then huddle up to get pumped for the game. Duke’s starting eleven take the field and the Tar Heels follow. Tobin does her pregame handshake with Alex, then gives Kelley a fist bump and they jog out to their positions. 

It doesn’t get much better than this for Tobin. Starting in her first regular season game of sophomore year, the North Carolina sun beating down on the field, looking around to see all her best friends… _and_ now she’s got a new face to impress. She looks toward the sideline to see Christen standing next to the bench in a new UNC Soccer t-shirt. The whistle blows to begin the game and Tobin’s attention darts to the center of the field. 

\-- 

“Yeah baby! That’s what I like to see for our first game!” Ashlyn Harris, the junior starting goalie, yells as everyone crowds around her. The Tar Heels pulled off a 4-1 win against the Blue Devils, Tobin assisting goals by Alex and freshman forward Sydney Leroux. Everyone is excited and ready to have a great Saturday night. 

As the team continues to celebrate their win in the locker room, Tobin walks outside to find Christen talking with their coaches. She waits for them to finish, then sees the freshman turn towards her. 

“Hi, I think I’m the only one Kelley didn’t scream your name to earlier. I’m Tobin.” 

The younger girl’s eyes light up. “I know who you are! Sorry. That sounded creepy. I mean, I’ve watched your games before and you’re like, so talented. I’m Christen.” 

Tobin grins. “I know who you are too. I should probably go change but I can totally show you around later. Did you find your dorm?” 

Christen nods and Tobin continues, “I live in the soccer house now so that’s where you can find me but I know my way around here pretty well if you ever need any help. I know it’s annoying that you’re living in a dorm right now but you can probably live in the house with us next semester since you’re already a sophomore too. Also, are you coming out with us tonight? It’s all good if you wanna get settled in, you’re probably overwhelmed. You can if you want though, I think we’re all gonna go to dinner and then a bar or something. Sorry, I’m talking a lot. But really, let me know if you need anything!” 

Christen laughs at Tobin’s rambling and agrees to text her later if she wants to meet up. Tobin smiles and jogs back into the locker room, hoping she didn’t just completely embarrass herself. 

\--

**8:35 pm**

**Christen Press:** Hey, it’s Christen! If the team is okay with it I’d love to hang out with you guys tonight. I don’t really have anything else to do and being in this single dorm is making me feel pretty out of the loop lol

 **Tobin Heath:** yessss! everyone wants u to come, I’ll send u the location of the restaurant :)

\--

After meeting up with her new teammates at dinner, Christen finds herself lost in the middle of a crowded college bar. Of course, her first night at UNC _had_ to be a Saturday. She’s not necessarily against partying, but she’d normally opt for a relaxing movie night over drunkenly stumbling back into a dorm at 3 in the morning. 

Thankfully, Tobin is the same way, and when she notices Christen looking overwhelmed, she pushes her way through the crowd to rescue her. 

“Hey,” Tobin yells over the music and chaos, snapping Christen out of her daze. “Do you want to get some fresh air?” 

Christen nods quickly, and when Tobin reaches for her hand to lead her outside, her heart jumps a little. She ignores it. 

They sit down on a bench in front of the bar, Christen taking a moment to look around at everything Chapel Hill has to offer. Among the bright lights and college town that’s full of life, she comes to the realization that September in North Carolina is a lot colder than it is in California, and it doesn’t take more than two seconds for Tobin to notice that the dark-haired girl next to her is shivering. 

“I take it this isn’t exactly the weather you’re used to,” Tobin comments, sliding off her denim jacket and offering it to Christen. 

“No, no, I’m good! You’ll just end up being cold then, I can’t take this.” 

“Nah, don’t worry about me. Tonight’s warmer than any fall day in Jersey.” Tobin slides her jacket over Christen’s shoulders and the forward smiles, thanking her. 

“So, not exactly the _get obliterated on your first night here_ type?” Tobin continues. 

“Yeah, you could say that. I just got a little nervous because I don’t really know anyone yet. I could also barely find my dorm sober this afternoon, so I didn’t think it would be the best idea to make the trip even more difficult.” Christen shrugs. Tobin grins. 

“Smart. You should offer some of that wisdom to the other girls on the team. The only time I’ve seen half of them sober on a Saturday night is when we have a game the next morning.” 

Christen laughs. Tobin quickly realizes that she likes making Christen laugh. 

“Are you sure you don’t mind sitting out here? I mean, I obviously appreciate the company but I don’t want to keep you from celebrating the win with everyone.” 

“Trust me, I’d rather chill here any day than spend my night watching my friends get wasted and hit on every single person they see.” 

“Not a big drinker?”

“I drove tonight, but I have my moments.”

Christen grins. “Hmm. How about frat parties?” 

Tobin smiles back. “Alex and I won 30 consecutive games of pong last year.” 

“Oh, wow, so you’re kind of a big deal?”

“You said it, not me.”

Tobin wonders if she’s being too flirty. 

Christen doesn’t mind at all. 

They end up talking for a while, until Tobin’s phone rings and a wasted Kelley O’Hara sounds like she needs a ride home immediately, along with at least four other people whose voices are barely audible as they all scream over each other into the phone. Tobin doesn’t even bother yelling back; she hangs up the phone and sends a text to Kelley ordering all of them to walk out the front of the bar and wait for her to pick them up. 

“Is this normal?” Christen asks as they walk to a nearby parking lot to get Tobin’s car. 

“Kelley being shitfaced? Yes. Everyone needing a ride home? Also yes, but usually not this early. They must’ve found some guys to buy them all a million shots- it usually works out that way after we win a game. I’ll take you back to your dorm after we drop them off.” 

“Are you sure? You don’t have to, I can walk,” Christen offers, but Tobin’s already opened the passenger door for her, shaking her head to say ‘absolutely not.’ 

The ride back to campus is loud and Tobin has to pull over to let Sydney throw up. She’s embarrassed but everyone in the car cheers and tells her it’s a right of passage to puke after your first college win. Kelley yells, “EVEN TOBIN DID!” and when Tobin reluctantly confirms, Christen doubles over with laughter. 

Tobin drops Kelley and Alex off at the infamous bright yellow soccer house and then proceeds to drive Syd towards the freshman dorms. Sydney stumbles out of the car, mumbling about how Tobin is her savior, and Tobin doesn’t move the car until she gets Syd’s text saying **I AM INSIDE!**

“I still can’t believe you’re only a sophomore. You seem a lot more mature than half of this team,” Christen thinks aloud. 

Tobin smiles but shakes her head. “I’ll always make sure everyone gets home safely, but I’m a five year old on the inside. Plus, the more times I drive their asses home like this, the better it is for me when I decide to go crazy because I know they’ll all take care of me.” 

“That is the best logic I’ve ever heard, Tobin Heath.” 

“Why thank you, Christen Press.”

Tobin’s almost disappointed when they arrive at Christen’s building, but she’s also happier than she’s been in a long time. 

“Thanks so much for tonight, it really means a lot that you hung out with me.” Christen says as she opens the car door. 

“Hey, don’t make it seem like I was babysitting! I had a lot of fun. I know a really good coffee place in town if you get bored or need a friend tomorrow. Let me know when you get to your room,” Tobin smiles. 

“Will do. Thanks again, Tobin. I’ll see you tomorrow!” 

When the passenger door closes, Tobin sighs. Christen texts her a minute later saying she made it to her dorm just fine, but Tobin waits a little longer to drive away. 

\--

Tobin returns home, and after making sure every teammate in the house is safely in bed (and breathing), she places a bottle of Advil and some waters on the kitchen table and goes up to her room. 

She’s one of the first people awake the next morning, along with Ali Krieger and, shockingly enough, Kelley. They make coffee and sit out on the front porch, listening to Kelley’s many stories from the previous night. Tobin half-listens while quietly checking her phone every two minutes to see if she has a text from a certain someone. 

“And then I said, ‘if you buy me three drinks, I’ll _consider_ giving you my number.’ And she actually did! I swear, it is _so_ easy to pick up girls around here. She was pretty cute, but I don’t really remember- Tobin, are you even paying attention!? This is a good story!” 

Tobin looks up, nodding. “Yes, Kelley, you tell this story every single morning after we go out. I can probably tell you how it ends if you’d like,” which earns a cackle from Ali. 

Kelley pouts and crosses her arms. “Fine. How was _your_ night, then? I barely saw you after 10 o’clock.” 

The midfielder shrugs. “Christen didn’t know anyone so I hung out outside with her for a while. Then I drove you home, if you remember.” 

“I do. Syd puked. Did you and Christen… _do_ anything?” 

Ali starts laughing again. “Kelley, do you really think Tobin would get in her pants on her first night here!? I mean, if you did it would be fine, Tobin, pretty impressive actually-” 

“Shut it. Of course I didn’t. I was just being a good friend! She’s really sweet, actually. I might hang out with her later.” Tobin mumbles. 

“Oh my god. You like her.” Kelley squeals just as the front door opens to reveal Ashlyn and Alex. 

“Who likes who!?” they ask in unison, eyes widening. 

“Tobin likes Chr-”

“No one likes anyone! You guys need to chill, she hasn’t even been here for 24 hours! She probably has a nice boyfriend back in California.” Tobin fires back. 

“Okay, okay. Sorry. I think that would be cute though. Boyfriend or not, your face could change anyone’s mind.” Kelley says quietly. 

“That was gay,” everyone says at the same time, sending them all into a fit of laughter. 

\--

**12:15 pm**

**Christen Press:** Embarrassed to admit that I just woke up. Are you still down for coffee? 

**Tobin Heath:** hahaha yes!! is it okay if a couple other girls come? they wanna hang out with u

Christen’s not sure why she’s slightly upset by the fact that she and Tobin won’t be hanging out alone, but she brushes it off and tells herself she needs to form relationships with more than one person on her new team, even if her first friend seems like all she needs right now. 

**Christen Press:** That sounds great. Can I have the address?

 **Tobin Heath:** nah, I’ll pick you up in a few. I wanna show you the soccer house anyway

Christen practically flies out of her bed to get dressed.

\--

After their trip downtown, Tobin takes her friends back to the house, excited about how well Christen is getting along with everyone. They start playing soccer in the backyard and some of the girls who had stayed home quickly rush outside to join in. Eventually, it’s a fight to the death- when a college soccer team has a pickup game, it always ends up being more intense than it should be. 

“I swear, if one of you idiots gets hurt, I’m not taking the blame,” senior captain Lauren Cheney yells from her spot on a lawn chair as Kelley brutally trips Alex and sends her flying into the mud. 

“Red fucking card!” Alex hollers, grabbing Kelley’s ankle and pulling her onto the ground. Pretty soon, everyone is tackling each other, and all Cheney has to say through her laughter is that they better not track mud into the house. 

They order pizza while everyone cleans themselves up, and Tobin finds herself sitting in the kitchen talking to Allie Long and Kelley. 

“You should tell Christen to sleep over,” Kelley grins, earning her an elbow to the gut from Tobin. 

“Come _on,_ Tobs, I saw the way you were looking at her all day. You were practically drooling,” Allie adds, quickly backing away before Tobin can punch her too. 

“Cut it out. First of all, if she wants to sleep over, it has nothing to do with me, and second, her first day of classes is tomorrow and she probably wants to be on campus.” Tobin replies. 

“Fine. But at least admit you think she’s pretty.” Kelley smiles, and Tobin walks away. 

_She is so pretty._


	2. we will find a way through the dark

Christen settles in with the team extremely well. She’s become super close with Kelley, Ash, and Alex, and everyone loves her. She’s been contributing on the field enormously during practice and in her eyes, things couldn’t be better. 

The team is leaving for their first away game against Clemson, and as everyone gets their stuff together in the locker room, Christen realizes she hasn’t yet established who she’ll be sitting next to on the bus. She scans the room and tries to find someone who doesn’t already have a partner, but it’s pretty tough- Ash and Ali, Alex and Allie, Cheney and Carli, Kelley and Sonnett (Emily Sonnett is a freshman and could possibly be an exact replica of Kelley O’Hara, which is equally hilarious as it is terrifying) … Syd and Mal Pugh, Crystal and JJ… _Does Tobin have someone? Should I ask? Is that embarrassing?_

“Christen, you coming?” 

Christen’s snapped back into reality to find that she and Tobin are the only ones left in the locker room. 

“Oh! Yes, sorry. Just have to grab the rest of my stuff-” And, of course, her duffel bag falls onto the ground and everything goes flying. Tobin tries to jump out of the way of a flying shinguard, but she’s too busy laughing at the forward’s clumsiness.

“Alright, everything’s fine, you’re good,” she says as she begins reloading Christen’s bag. 

Christen’s face is getting redder by the second.

She and Tobin clean everything up and make their way out to the bus, and as they walk up the steps Christen notices that everybody is sitting with someone- besides freshman Sam Mewis, who has claimed the back row for herself because she’s six feet tall and no one can argue with that. 

“I guess we’re bus buddies now,” Tobin grins, and Christen hopes no one notices how her face lights up. 

\--

The drive is over four hours long, and by the time there’s an hour left, half of the girls are asleep and the other half are quietly waiting to reach their destination. Their infamous karaoke game, “Headphone Idol”, only lasted about 30 minutes because no one could possibly stand one more awful performance from Sam and Sonnett. 

Tobin taught Christen a couple card games and once they got bored, the midfielder drifted to sleep and now Christen’s busy trying not to get excited about how Tobin’s head is resting on her shoulder. She pulls out a book and spends the rest of the ride reading. 

Tobin wakes up with a few minutes left in the trip and is slightly embarrassed to find that she’d been sleeping on Christen, but if she’s being honest, it felt pretty nice. 

Once the team heads into the hotel lobby, the coaches read out their roommate assignments. Christen’s not too worried about who she’ll end up with; she’s become friends with all the girls at this point and is only slightly terrified of Carli. 

“Kelley and Alex, Mal and Sonnett, Ash and Kriegs, Christen and Tobin, Sam and Allie-”

_Christen and TOBIN!? I must be dreaming._

She certainly isn’t, and everything is a blur until she sees Tobin walk up to the coaches to take the room keys and then turn towards her. “You comin?” 

Christen smiles bigger than ever. 

\--

“Which bed do you want?” Tobin asks once they’ve walked into their room. 

“You’ve been here longer, you get first pick,” Christen replies. 

"Well I’m gonna need some time to weigh my options.” Tobin grins, earning a laugh from her new roommate.

“Take all the time you need, Heath. Want to decide over coffee?” Christen’s not sure if this is flirting, and if it is, she’s not sure where her newfound confidence came from, but the way Tobin’s eyes light up makes none of that matter at all.

“Coffee sounds great.” 

They walk to a cafe and Tobin orders first. When Tobin finishes ordering, she motions for Christen to get out of the line. “I got yours.” 

“We’ve only gotten coffee a couple times, how do you know my order?” Christen asks, practically bursting at the seams.

“I have a good memory, I guess. Figured we’d be getting coffee a lot so I might as well memorize it.” 

“First of all, that’s cute, and second, at least let me pay you back,” Christen takes out her wallet but Tobin shakes her head. 

“No way. It’s on me. Also, I want the bed next to the window. If that’s okay.” Tobin smiles.

Christen laughs. “Of course that’s okay, I told you to pick. But it seems like you knew the entire time. You couldn’t even wait to tell me until we sat down?” 

“Maybe I just wanted an excuse to get coffee with you.” 

_My god, stop being so damn smooth._

“Fair enough.” 

\--

The team meets up that evening for dinner and then the girls make their way back to their respective rooms. When Tobin and Christen get back to their room, Christen takes a shower and Tobin tries extremely hard not to stare when her roommate strips down to a sports bra. _You’ve seen this a million times, Tobin. Everyone always has their shirts off. Christen is no different. Just… hotter. Stop!_

When Christen finishes getting dressed, Tobin speaks up. “Alex said she and Kell are gonna watch a movie in their room. Wanna go?” 

“I don’t know, I’m kind of tired,” Christen starts, but when she sees the pout forming on Tobin’s face, she quickly adds, “but I’ll go if you’re going.” 

Tobin smiles and they make their way down the hall. 

Christen passes out 30 minutes into the movie, not realizing that her head has fallen onto a certain midfielder’s shoulder. Tobin doesn’t move a muscle for the next hour. 

“There is no way you’re gonna carry her back to your room.” Alex whispers once the movie ends and she and Kelley notice that Christen hasn’t woken up. 

“I feel bad waking her, she didn’t sleep on the bus!” Tobin whisper-yells back. 

“Then leave her here and one of us will come sleep in your room!” Kelley responds.

Now Tobin’s stuck. _She has a point.. That would be the smartest thing to do, but how am I supposed to tell them that I wanna wake up with her in the same room as me?_

“Yeah, that makes sense. Which one of you wants to be blessed with my presence while you sleep tonight?” Tobin jokes, but as she carefully tries to slip away from Christen’s side, the forward’s eyes flutter open. _Thank god._

“Wha- What time is it? Why are you all looking at me? Oh my gosh, am I drooling?” Christen asks, becoming aware of her surroundings. 

Kelley starts laughing. “ _Tobin_ over here didn’t want to wake you, so after we talked her out of carrying you back to your room, we were just gonna let you sleep here.” 

Christen’s still dazed and confused, so she just nods. She’s too groggy to notice the way Tobin’s face has turned bright red. 

“Alright, well now that you’re up, you guys can get out of here. I need my beauty sleep.” Alex flops back onto her bed and Tobin and Christen make their way out the door. 

As they walk down the hallway, Christen suddenly stops. “Were you actually considering carrying me back to the room?” 

Tobin blushes. “I dunno, I didn’t want to wake you but I sort of forgot that you could’ve just spent the night in their room. You woke up the second I moved anyway, so it probably wouldn’t have even worked..” 

Christen smiles. “Sorry I passed out on you.” 

“No worries, I’ve been told I have a pretty comfy shoulder.” 

“Oh really? Do all the ladies tell you that?” _Shit. I don’t even know if she likes girls. I mean, it is pretty safe to assume she does, but she’s never told me! Dammit, Christen._

Tobin grins, completely unphased by Christen’s comment. “Wouldn’t you like to know?” 

Christen laughs, feeling relieved and a little too excited about her new realization that Tobin does, in fact, like girls.

They reach their room and by the time Tobin steps out of the bathroom after brushing her teeth, Christen is already fast asleep on top of her bed. The midfielder shakes her head, smiling, and carefully pulls the covers over her friend. 

\--

Their game isn’t until 4 pm, so the girls have all morning to do whatever they want. Christen wakes up pretty early and takes the opportunity to walk downstairs and get Tobin a coffee. She looks through the breakfast options and decides to bring her roommate a blueberry muffin and a banana. When she gets back to the room, Tobin’s still asleep, so Christen pulls out her book. 

The midfielder wakes up a few minutes later, and Christen waits a few moments and then smiles when she hears “Best. Roommate. Ever.” 

They spend the morning hanging out in the room, then the team meets for lunch, and soon enough it’s time to board the bus to the field. Tobin sits in her new favorite spot next to Christen.The team takes the field for warm-ups and then they make their way back to the locker room and prepare to play after Anson and the captains give pep talks. 

Everyone is pumped up after Crystal’s crazy DJ-ing and Sonnett and Kelley’s ridiculous dance moves. In the midst of the pregame dance party, Tobin turns to her left to see that Christen’s not in her seat anymore. She quickly gets up and walks toward the bathroom stalls. “Chris?” 

No answer, but Tobin’s almost positive she can hear someone’s muffled crying through a stall door. 

“Christen, I know you’re in here.” 

Still no answer, so Tobin takes a deep breath and moves closer to find the one stall door that’s closed. She tries her luck at pulling it open- it swings toward her immediately, and for the first time ever, Tobin is thankful for badly-designed bathroom stalls. 

Christen is sitting beside the toilet, facing away from her teammate. She’s trying not to make a lot of noise, so all Tobin can see is her body shaking on the ground as she holds in her sobs. 

“Chris, come here,” Tobin sits down beside her and rubs her back. Christen still doesn’t say anything. “If you need to throw up I’ve got you,” 

The forward finally speaks, barely audible since she’s been crying; “I can’t.”

“You can’t what? Puke?” 

“No,” Christen’s shaking so much that Tobin has to hold onto her to make it stop. “Can’t play,”

“You don’t have to tell me anything, Chris, I just want to make sure you’re okay… Look at me.” 

Christen doesn’t look up. She’s still crying and clearly struggling to breathe. 

“Christen. Look at me.” 

The tone in Tobin’s voice is more serious than Christen’s ever heard it, and she finally moves her eyes toward Tobin’s face. 

“Good. Now breathe. You’re gonna be okay,” 

Christen obliges, quietly focusing on evening out her breaths. Tobin’s arms are still around her and she feels a sense of comfort that she hasn’t felt in a long time. 

They sit in silence for a minute while Christen wipes her eyes and gathers herself. “We should probably go,” she whispers, but in the back of her mind she wishes she could just stay there for a while, on that disgusting bathroom floor, with Tobin beside her. 

Tobin nods and stands up, reaching an arm out to help Christen. They slowly walk through the locker room and as Tobin opens the door to step outside, she turns around for a moment. “Chris?” 

Christen looks up. 

“Does that happen a lot?” 

She nods. 

“Can we talk about it later?” 

“Yeah.” 

Tobin nods, satisfied with that answer, and as she walks outside she feels arms wrapping around her. 

“Thank you.” 

She squeezes the forward and smiles. “Of course. Now let’s go, we have a game to win.” 

\--

They end up winning the game 1-0, but it’s nothing special. Tobin assists Alex’s goal and the team is excited in the locker room afterwards, but the midfielder has other things on her mind. The girls shower and change and then board the bus, ready for a long drive back to Chapel Hill. 

Once everyone’s settled into their seats, Tobin makes sure no one’s paying attention to her and Christen. She scans the bus and thankfully, most of her teammates have headphones in, besides the few kids in the back who are engulfed in a very loud conversation about why three dollar bills should exist. 

“So,” she begins, turning to the forward, whose green eyes are practically glowing in the 7 pm sunlight. 

“I think it started my junior year of high school. I’ve always liked being organized and planning stuff, and I hate changing my routine. But yeah, when I was about seventeen I started to just freak out over little stuff, and it sort of got worse from there: I’d be too scared to go to school sometimes, for absolutely no reason. I’d just tell my parents I was sick. And with soccer, it was so bad…” Christen trails off, and looks up to see that Tobin is listening intently. 

She takes a deep breath and continues talking, “I started getting sick before every game and having panic attacks and I didn’t know why. I guess something about the pressure of having eyes on me and everyone’s high expectations; it all started to get to me.. I don’t know. I went to a therapist senior year of high school and UNC was always my dream school but my parents wanted me to start at Stanford since it was closer to home, just in case anything happened. Part of the reason why I transferred was because every time I had an anxiety attack last year, my mom or dad or sister would show up at my dorm… It was embarrassing and I needed them to know I could deal with it on my own. But clearly I still can’t, as you witnessed earlier,” Christen starts getting worked up, quickly rubbing her eyes with her hand. 

Tobin moves the forward’s hand away from her face and looks her in the eye. “Hey. I really appreciate you telling me that stuff. I know that must’ve been hard for you and I hope you know that as your honorary best friend, bus buddy, and away game roomie,”

_Of course Tobin had to sneak a joke in there._

“You can always call me if anything happens or if you get anxious. The house is only five minutes from your dorm,” she smiles. 

Christen wraps Tobin in a tight hug, wiping away a few stray tears. They decide they’ve had enough deep conversations for the evening and quickly begin a game of Monopoly Deal, Tobin’s favorite. 

\-- 

“Anyone need a ride back to their dorms?” Tobin asks when the bus pulls into the parking lot at the UNC soccer fields. 

The upperclassmen are already piling into cars to drive back to the soccer house, and Christen walks towards Tobin’s car without a second thought. Syd, Mal, and a couple other freshmen pile in and, of course, Christen’s not surprised when she’s the last one in the car. 

“Don’t you get tired of driving all the freshmen around? I mean, I seriously don’t think I’ve heard any other teammate offer to drive them back to their dorms.” Christen wonders aloud. 

Tobin shrugs. “I dunno. The older girls gave me rides everywhere last year so since I have my car now, I just figure I should keep the tradition going. And then next year when you and the freshmen can bring cars, I’ll have no driving obligations.” 

They’re so engulfed in conversation that neither of them realize Tobin completely forgot to drop Christen off, and when she pulls the car over in front of the soccer house, they burst into laughter. 

“I think that just proves how tired I am and that I should not be driving a car right now.” Tobin says, causing Christen to laugh even harder. 

“So what do we do? I don’t think you should drive anymore either!” 

“I mean, you’re a sophomore so technically you have rights to the soccer house..” 

“Well that’s wonderful but I don’t have a bed, clothes, or a toothbrush!” 

“Just you wait, Press.” Tobin gets out of the car and motions for Christen to follow her. 

They walk inside and Christen is thankful that everyone already seems to be in their rooms. She knows it’s completely normal for her to be here, but she can’t help but feel like Tobin is sneaking her in. She quietly follows the midfielder up two flights of stairs and finds Tobin and Alex’s bedroom empty.

“Alex has been sleeping at her boyfriend’s a lot lately. I like the peace and quiet, but she’s usually my alarm in the morning, so hopefully you’ll make a good replacement.” Tobin grins. 

“Oh, so that’s all I’m good for? Your alarm?” Christen teases, pretending to be offended. 

“Well we don’t even know if you’re good at it yet. Don’t get ahead of yourself,” this earns Tobin a pillow to the head. “No way. It’s on.” 

They’re suddenly involved in one of the most intense pillow fights the house has ever experienced - nothing will ever beat PillowGate 2k17, but that’s a story for another time - and Christen is shocked that no one has called 911 due to the amount of noise going on. Finally, the two girls fall onto the floor, wiped out and still laughing at Alex’s now-shattered lamp in the corner of the room. 

“We’ll deal with that in the morning,” Tobin says nonchalantly. 

“I think it’s from Target, we can replace it before she even notices!” Christen adds, practically gasping for breath from laughing so hard. 

Once they gather themselves, Tobin pulls out a t-shirt and sweatpants for Christen to sleep in and digs through the bathroom drawer to find a toothbrush that’s still in its package. Christen smiles when her new best friend pulls out a sharpie and scribbles “CP23” on the side of the toothbrush, placing it next to hers and Alex’s. 

“Officially an honorary member of the house,” Tobin smiles. 

Christen climbs into Alex’s bed as Tobin turns off the bedroom lights. 

“What time’s your first class tomorrow?” the midfielder asks.

“10 I think. You?” 

“9:30. If you wanna wake up a little early I can drive you to campus,”

“Yeah, that would be great. I usually get up early anyway.” 

“Okay, cool.”

“Coffee first?”

“You read my mind, Press.” 

Christen falls asleep with a smile on her face.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hellooo i hope you liked this chapter! more coming soon (hopefully)!! let me know what you guys think and as always u can find me on tumblr @gayforuswnt :)


	3. we all need someone to stay

Christen’s been spending a lot of time at the soccer house.

Everyone spends a lot of time there, but by mid-October, Christen is pretty sure she’s slept in Alex’s bed more times than Alex has so far this school year. 

The whole team knows that Tobin and Christen are practically inseparable, and it shows on the soccer field- the way they can find each other on the pitch without a second thought is almost scary. Tobin’s perfect aim and Christen’s ability to be in the right spot at the right time has brought the Tar Heels to an undefeated first month of the season. It’s the reason Christen is the leading scorer on the team and Tobin has the most assists so far- they just get each other.

The ACC tournament is coming up and the entire team can’t get enough of each other; it would seem like a lot to see the same people every day during practices and games, but most of them manage to spend every other moment together too. 

-

“Christen, come to my room! I wanna show you something,” Kelley yells from the stairs. Christen’s in the living room with Alex, watching Tobin and Ash’s far-too-competitive game of FIFA. 

As the forward leaves the room, Ashlyn scores and Tobin hollers, “COME BACK! You were my good luck charm!” Christen yells an apology and walks up the stairs smiling from ear to ear. 

Kelley’s sitting on her bed and when Christen enters the room, the defender motions for her to close the door. 

“Everything okay?” Christen asks, now slightly concerned because Kelley actually looks serious for the first time in her life. 

“Yeah, don’t worry. You’re not in trouble,” the defender giggles and Christen rolls her eyes. 

“What’s up then? I don’t think you’ve ever had a serious conversation with me, or anyone, really.” 

“Hey! Who said this was serious?” 

“Kelley, you had me close the door. You usually make sure this entire house can hear your voice, whether they want to or not.” 

Kelley pretends to be offended for a moment but can’t help agreeing with her friend. 

“Fine, you got me. But it’s not bad. I just wanna tell you something.”

“Alright, just say it already because you’re making me nervous.” Christen is half-joking, but she can’t deny the knots forming in her stomach. 

“Me? Making THE Christen Press nervous? Is it because I’m so hot?” 

“Kelley!”

“Fine, okay, sorry. I just wanted to say that I know you and Tobin have gotten close and I’m really happy about it, but I need you to know a couple things first.”

Christen nods, now even more confused than she already was.

“You can’t say _anything_ about this to Tobin or anyone because I’m the only one who knows and I probably shouldn’t be telling you but I need to so just promise you’ll keep it to yourself,” 

Christen holds out her pinky. 

“Okay. Basically, last year when we were freshmen, Tobin and Alex were roommates in a dorm. I became really good friends with both of them and the three of us spent a ton of time together during the season, but I wasn’t as close with them as they were with each other. Like, they spent every second together- they obviously had to live in the same room but they chose to do everything else together. And they never fought about anything. Everyone knew they were inseparable, like, if Tobin was sitting between two people on the bench, someone would move over so Alex could sit next to her, and Alex didn’t even have to ask. Around the end of October last year- I remember because it was near the ACC championship- Tobin came up to me one day and asked if we could talk. And it was as surprising to me that she was being serious as it was for you to see me like this,”

Christen smiles but she’s terrified of what Kelley could possibly be about to say.

“She told me she liked Alex. Like, not as a best friend, a lot more than that. And neither of us knew if Alex liked girls or if she felt the same way… sometimes it seemed like she did. I mean, people who weren’t friends with them probably thought they were dating. But anyway, we wanted to find out if Alex had the same feelings, so I came out to Alex to see if she would say she also liked girls or something like that. She didn’t. What she did tell me was that she had hooked up with a guy on the men’s soccer team and she was starting to have feelings for him. I had no idea how I was supposed to tell Tobin- I mean, it’s not like she was expecting anything, but it was honestly shocking to me that Alex didn’t feel anything like that towards her, because they just acted like they were in love all the time. And Alex meant it in such a different way than Tobin did, which isn’t her fault, but it killed me… And the next week, while I was trying to think of a way to tell Tobin, Alex announced after practice one day that she was going on a date with the guy. You’re lucky you didn’t see Tobin’s face when that happened. It was awful. I don’t even wanna think about it…”

Christen winces at the thought of Tobin being in pain. Kelley continues.

“After that, it was different. On and off the field. They were out of sync, which meant the team was out of sync. And Alex didn’t even know, like, Tobin never told her about her feelings because she started dating Servando and Tobin had to move on. Alex spent a lot of time with him and Tobin wandered around like a lost puppy for weeks until I finally got her to start hanging out with everyone again… After soccer ended and we all got back from winter break, the two of them started to get close again, and obviously they’re still good friends now but it’s only because Tobin had to convince herself that she’d rather have some place in Alex’s life than none at all, even if just being friends wasn’t what she really wanted. And the reason I’m telling you this is because up until right now, _you_ are Alex. And I mean that in a good way- I haven’t seen Tobin this happy in a long time. And I’m not trying to get you to tell me you love her or whatever, I don’t even know if you like girls or if you feel that way about her or if you guys accidentally flirt with each other or what. I just really don’t want this to end the way it has before because you both mean a lot to me and I want everyone to be happy. The end.” 

The room is silent for a minute before Christen remembers how to speak. “Did she tell you she likes me?”

“Have you seen the way she looks at you?”

“Well, if you do want to know, I’ve never been with a girl but no guy has ever made me feel the way she does..”

“You don’t have to overthink it. I don’t want you to rush into anything just because I told you this. If you end up having feelings for her, then that’s that. If you don’t, it’s completely fine, because I don’t think Tobin is expecting anything out of this. She’s lucky to have you, no matter what you are to each other, and I know she’s happy right now so as long as you’re happy too, just keep doing what you’re doing.” 

“Kelley O’Hara, you should be serious more often. I just gained a ton of respect for you.” 

“Yeah, I know, I’m attractive when I’m serious.” 

“I take that statement back and I hate you.” Christen throws a pillow at the defender’s head and walks out the door laughing. 

Once she makes her way down the stairs, Tobin practically barrels into her. 

“I beat Ash, if you were wondering. Also, I made you a sandwich, it’s in the kitchen. What did Kelley want?” the midfielder smiles as they walk through the house side by side.

“Oh, she just wanted to show me her new cleats,” Christen lies. 

“New cleats? Are they cool? Why didn’t she show me?” They step into the kitchen and Tobin pulls herself up to sit on the countertop while Christen picks up her sandwich. 

“She didn’t wanna distract you from your game,” the forward says nonchalantly, making a mental note to tell Kelley to buy new cleats. 

\--

Training the next morning is, to say the least, intense. It’s a Saturday and the girls didn’t go out the night before because they know that for the next week, their focus has to be all soccer, all the time. The ACC quarterfinals are a week from today and the game is on Halloween. Because it’s currently UNC’s fall break, the athletes are basically the only people still on campus and when Anson announces that their Sunday practice won’t be until 4pm, the girls vow to have a party at the house tonight. 

“I have a love-hate relationship with hosting parties,” Kelley says as the girls walk into their house. “You would think that we can get as hammered as we want because we don’t have to worry about getting home at the end of the night, but you can’t be that drunk because you need to keep an eye on all the other people!” 

“You know, Kell, I’d love to know when the last time _you_ had to worry about getting home was. I’m pretty sure I’ve picked your drunk ass up from the bars every weekend this year.” Tobin argues, causing the whole room to erupt with laughter. 

Ashlyn stands up on the coffee table and starts clapping her hands to regain everyone’s attention. “Guys, this is serious! We only have a few hours to get ready. We’re gonna invite the guys’ soccer team and the football team because they’re both still on campus. I don’t think any frats are having parties tonight since most people are gone, so we’ll deal with whoever else wants to come later. Now for the assignments: I’ll get the alcohol with Kelley, Sam, and Alex. Ali, Cheney, and Press are in charge of decorations. The rest of you need to make sure this house is spotless by the time we get back. Pregame starts here at 8 and people will come later. Got it?” 

“Got it,” the team echoes, and they get to work. 

Tobin’s slightly upset by the fact that she doesn’t get to spend the afternoon with Christen, but she shrugs it off and starts vacuuming. 

\--

By 7 o’clock, everyone is home and getting dressed. The freshmen, along with Christen, are at their dorms and Ali plans to pick them all up at 7:30. Kelley has already taken shots with Alex and now they’re busy dancing around the kitchen while stuffing their faces with pizza. Tobin’s in her room with Ash, trying to pick out an outfit and struggling more than usual because she may or may not be trying to impress a certain teammate. The rest of the girls are in their respective bedrooms bracing themselves for what’s about to be a long night ahead.

Once the whole team arrives at the house, they get together in the kitchen and prepare for the chaos that’s inevitably going to occur within the next few hours. Tobin roams downstairs a few minutes after everyone’s started drinking and comes face to face with an already tipsy Christen Press. 

“I was looking all over for you!” The forward’s eyes light up as she practically falls into Tobin’s arms for a hug. 

“Sorry, I was just finishing getting ready,” Tobin says, looking down at her ripped jeans and white shirt. “You look nice,” she adds, nodding towards Christen’s black jeans and pink crop top. 

“Thanks, you do too,” Christen grins, gripping Tobin’s side in order to stay upright. 

“You got here like 20 minutes ago, how much have you drank?” Tobin tries to keep from laughing as Christen’s smile grows. 

“Kelley.” is all the forward says, and Tobin looks up to see miss O’Hara shoving a bottle of vodka in everyone’s face. _Of course._

Lauren makes a toast to their hopeful win against Syracuse next weekend and soon enough, people start pouring into the house and the party begins. 

\--

By midnight, Tobin’s lost track of time, the amount of drinks she’s had, and Christen. She has no idea where Christen is- and she is not happy about it. 

Kelley’s no help because she’s been drunk for five hours, Alex disappeared a long time ago with her boyfriend, and the rest of the girls are scattered around the house, so Tobin stumbles down the hallway, hoping to run into someone she knows. 

When she literally _runs_ into Lauren, she’s thankful that the older girl is far more sober than she is, and she finds herself yanking the junior by her wrist into a quieter room. 

“Tobs, what’s up? Everything okay?” Lauren’s slightly concerned by the frantic look on the younger girl’s face, but she assumes Tobin’s just wasted. 

“I can’t find her, Cheney, I can’t find her! I don’t know where she is,” Tobin whines.

“You can’t find who? Do you need water, Tobs? I haven’t seen you like this in a while.”

“No, it’s Christen! I can’t find her. Have you seen her?” 

“Not since you guys won your fourth game of pong..” Lauren tries to recall the last time she saw Tobin’s partner in crime, but if she’s being honest, she doesn’t remember much from the past couple hours either.

“Shit, I forgot we played pong. When was that?” Tobin sits down on the steps and buries her head in her hands. 

“Honestly, I couldn’t tell you. Probably a couple hours ago. Maybe she left with a guy,” Lauren offers, and the thought of that throws Tobin over the edge. She jumps up and bursts out the front door, throwing up over the side of the porch. Lauren follows her outside and pulls her hair into a bun, waiting until Tobin’s finished and then walking back in to grab a water bottle. Tobin sits down on the porch swing, thinking about calling Christen and then realizing her phone isn’t in any of her pockets. “Fuck,” she mutters, leaning back and staring into space while she waits for Lauren to return. 

\--

Around 1:30 a.m, the only people left in the house are the people who live there, along with the freshmen who are sleeping over. Everyone’s too drunk to clean up so they opt to figure it out in the morning, and some girls stay downstairs to watch TV while others make their way to their rooms. 

Tobin’s sitting on the floor, sipping a water bottle and staring across the room at Alex’s empty bed, wishing that someone, _anyone,_ was there with her. She hasn’t felt this lonely since Alex first began spending all her time with Servando- that was the darkest time in Tobin’s life so far, and she can’t stand the fact that she might have to go through it all over again. 

Before Kelley went to bed, she told Tobin that she saw Christen leave the house with one of the football players. Tobin can’t be mad at Christen, she knows that, but the combination of way too much alcohol, all of her feelings, and the emptiness of the room at two in the morning leave her in tears. 

She doesn’t realize that she fell asleep until she slowly opens her eyes to see a figure entering the room. Even in the darkness, she recognizes the shadow and pulls herself up off the floor.

“Chris?” 

Christen turns around. “Shit. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to wake you, my phone’s dead and I left my charger in here so I was gonna plug it in and wait to call an Uber back to my dorm,” Christen whispers. 

Tobin stands up and stumbles towards the door, turning the light on. “Where’d you go?” She knows she may not want to know the answer to her question, but her drunk self has decided that she needs to. 

“One of the football guys brought me back to his apartment but I got uncomfortable and then he got mad that I didn’t want to _do_ anything with him so I left and sat outside for a while and then came back here because I needed a charger and I didn’t think you’d be awake so I was just gonna grab it and find a way back to my dorm.. Are you okay?” Christen notices the tear stains down Tobin’s cheeks once the light is on, and the midfielder quickly wipes her eyes.

“Yeah, I’m fine, I just…” 

“Did something happen, Tobin? You can tell me,” 

“No, no, I’m fine. I was just worried about you. I didn’t know where you were.” Tobin is doing everything in her power to not burst into tears but it’s not going very well, as her voice cracks and she starts wiping her eyes again. 

Christen thinks she can feel her own heart breaking in this moment, and she takes a couple steps closer to the midfielder, pulling her into a hug. “I’m so sorry, T, I was way too drunk and should’ve told you I was leaving but you were talking to people and I wasn’t thinking and I can’t believe that you’re upset over me because I don’t deserve to make you feel that way. I know I said I thought you were gonna be asleep but I honestly just wanted to see you again before I went back to my dorm because you always make me feel safe and I didn’t feel safe with that guy and now I feel like I messed it all up-”

Tobin cuts her off, looking up through her tears, “Can you stay?” 

“Here?” Christen meets Tobin’s eyes and Tobin nods. 

“It’s late, I don’t want you going back to your dorm right now.”

Christen looks over at Alex’s bed. There’s one pillow but the blanket and sheets are gone- Sam and Mal brought them downstairs to use on the couch.

Tobin speaks up before Christen can say anything; “My bed’s big enough. If you want to stay.” 

The forward nods, turning off the light and climbing under the covers beside her favorite person.

“I’m not going anywhere.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry it's been a minute since i updated but i'm trying to get ready for ~college~ ! anyway, u know where to find me: @gayforuswnt on tumblr :) let me know what you guys think, gonna try to update asap


	4. lying isn't better than silence

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HI EVERYONE! i don't know if anybody even remembers this story but i decided what better time to continue writing it than during ~quarantine~ lol. hope everyone is staying safe and reading fanfics to forget about the real world

The ACC quarterfinal is two days away and the Tar Heels are getting ready to travel a whopping 40 minutes to Cary, North Carolina. Although they could just stay in Chapel Hill and drive over for their game, it makes more sense to be in a hotel and get settled in, especially if they end up staying for the entire tournament. If they win against Syracuse on Saturday, they’ll stay for the semis on Monday and the final on Wednesday. Although a loss in this tournament doesn’t affect their chances for a national championship, UNC has quite the reputation in their conference and losing isn’t exactly a viable option. 

Tobin is focused. This usually happens before big games; she basically shuts the rest of the world out and only thinks about soccer for a few days. Most of the girls are used to it by now- if they don’t see or hear from her outside of practice, they’re not really phased, but a certain someone is not too happy with the situation.

Christen’s been doing her best to convince herself that her sleepover with Tobin meant nothing. She shouldn’t have to do that, because best friends always have sleepovers, sometimes in the same bed, and from her perspective, she’s the last thing on Tobin’s mind this week. She figured she’d at least be able to hang out with the midfielder in between classes or grab dinner together, but they’ve only interacted four times in the past four days- yes, she’s counting.

The first time was during practice on Monday when Tobin tossed Christen a water bottle after they ran sprints. 

The second time was Tuesday, when Christen texted Tobin to ask how her Film History test went and Tobin responded with a thumbs up emoji and a ‘thank u for asking!’

Number three occurred yesterday, when Tobin helped Christen up after not-so-kindly tackling her during a scrimmage. Christen could swear they held onto each others’ hands for longer than usual, but she also thinks she might be going insane.

And four was when Tobin sent Christen a screenshot five minutes ago of an Instagram follow request she’d just received. The text reads: ‘u follow him but no one else on the team does. who dis?’

Christen’s heart stops. 

**CP:** Some kid from my high school. He probably saw u in one of my posts. U don’t have to accept

Christen, who’s currently laying in her bed disregarding the open suitcase on the floor that she definitely should be packing up right now, doesn’t know what to do about her current situation and winces as she types in a contact to send a message. 

**Christen Press:** Why did you request my teammate on Instagram

**Ben Thompson:** Never thought I’d hear from u again, wow

**Christen Press:** Answer

**Ben Thompson:** Idk, she’s hot

**Christen Press:** Wtf?? She texted me and asked who u were

**Ben Thompson:** Did u tell her I’m the best thing that’s ever happened to u?

**Christen Press:** Not quite. Seriously what’s your problem

**Ben Thompson:** We play Duke next weekend so we’re going to Cary early to watch the ACC tournament because it’s fall break

Was gonna try to meet some of ur teammates ;)

**Christen Press:** Ok, stop, I don’t wanna hear any more

**Ben Thompson:** Just mind ur business then, what I do with them isn’t ur problem

**Christen Press:** Goodbye

It takes every ounce of Christen’s self control to not throw her phone across the room- she’s done that before and it doesn’t usually end well. She takes a deep breath and places the phone on her bedside table, standing up to start aimlessly throwing clothes into her suitcase.

\-- 

The girls get to the bus around 6 p.m. and Christen takes her usual spot beside Tobin. Everyone passes around sandwiches and slices of pizza until Lauren Cheney stands up to give her ritual bus-ride-before-a-big-game speech. The team listens closely, and silently for the most part, besides a couple claps and hollers from Kelley and Ash in the back of the bus. Everyone cheers at the end and then they all pretty much mind their own business, putting headphones in or having quiet conversations. 

Tobin’s looking out the window with music in her ears. 

Christen wonders how she can miss someone when they’re sitting right next to each other. 

As she’s left alone with her thoughts, the incident from earlier spins around Christen’s mind a little too quickly, and she decides to text Kelley, hoping that the defender can take a break from messing around with the freshmen to look at her phone. 

**Christen:** Can you talk for a sec?

**Kelley:** Yes do u want me to come over there?

**Christen:** No I need to text it

**Kelley:** Everything ok?

**Christen:** My ex boyfriend tried to follow Tobin on Instagram today

I told her he’s a weird kid from my high school but he’s gonna be there this weekend and I don’t want him to meet everyone I really don’t wanna see him

**Kelley:** Oh shit

He only requested Tobin?

**Christen:** I texted him and he said she’s hot

I can’t deal with this

**Kelley:** Are u gonna tell her?

**Christen:** Should I? It’s just a really weird situation 

Obviously Tobin and I aren’t anything but I don’t want him messing anything up

I feel like she’ll be upset 

**Kelley:** It’s not your fault that he did that

I think if u make it clear to her that u don’t even talk to him anymore she can’t really be mad 

Christen reads the text a couple more times before shutting her phone off. She decides she’ll tell Tobin what’s going on if Ben texts her again or tries to meet up with them, but for now, there’s no reason to worry about it, right?

\--

Wrong. 

It’s 9 o’clock and Christen has three missed calls from the boy who can’t seem to stop ruining her life. She stepped into the hallway because Tobin, who is inevitably her roommate at the hotel, asked why her phone has been ringing nonstop. Christen said it was her mom calling and told Tobin she would be right back, but now she’s been pacing back and forth for ten minutes while Ben blows her phone up with texts. 

She finally calls him back. He picks up on the first ring.

“Why are you ignoring me?”

“Why are you calling me!?” 

“Are you in Cary yet?” 

“Why do you care, Ben? I don’t understand what made you decide to pop back into my life right now. I thought we were over this.” 

“I’m pretty sure you texted me first.” 

“Because I don’t need  _ you _ following my friends on Instagram! They don’t know who you are!” 

“Why not? I feel like I played a big part in your life, they should know about me.”

“I’m not doing this with you, I can’t-”

“Are you staying at the Hilton?” 

“Are you  _ stalking  _ me?” 

“No, but a bunch of teams are staying here.”

_ Great. Just fucking great.  _ Christen takes a deep breath. 

“What do you want from me, Ben?”

“Don’t you miss me? I thought I could come by, meet some of your friends…”

Christen doesn’t want to look up as she realizes that the voice on the phone is echoing down the hallway. She thinks her heart might have stopped, but then again, if she passes out, she won’t have to see him…

“At least act like you’re a little happy to see me,” Ben says, loud and clear, from two feet away. Christen hangs up the phone. 

She can’t be happy to see him. This kid said he was going to marry her. They were in high school, but it was still real. It still hurt, and it hurt way too much for things to ever be the same. But he’ll always be her first love, her first heartbreak, her first everything. And with all of that in mind, Christen is wondering why the hell she hasn’t already turned around and walked back into her room. Why the  _ hell  _ she’s walking a little bit closer and letting him wrap his arms around her. Why the hell Tobin is in the hallway-

_ Tobin is in the hallway!?  _

“Chris, everything okay?” 

She turns around quickly, freeing herself from Ben’s grip. “Yes, sorry, I was talking to my mom and then I ran into Ben and he just wanted to say hi and I-”

Ben decides it’s his turn to speak. “I’m the one who followed you on Instagram. Just came to say hello to my girl.” 

Christen’s jaw drops. “I’m not-”

“Oh, shit, I didn’t mean to interrupt. Sorry.” Tobin turns around and the door closes a little too loudly. 

Christen explodes. 

“What the FUCK is wrong with you?”

Ben holds his hands up in defense. “What, are you guys fucking or something? I was just kidding,” 

“No, we’re not fucking, and if anyone was fucking it wouldn’t be any of your business! Please,  _ please,  _ just go. I’m serious. This was over a long time ago and it was  _ your  _ decision, so just fucking stick with it. I’m done.” The tears are flowing now and Christen doesn’t even care. She wants to curl up and melt into the floor. And she needs Ben to turn around and walk away so she doesn’t scream and disrupt the entire hotel. 

He waits a moment as Christen looks down at the ground, practically shaking at this point and trying to calm herself down by following the pattern on the carpet. And then, without another word, Ben walks to the elevator. Christen sits down against the wall. 

\--

Tobin’s been laying on her bed for a while, throwing a tennis ball against the ceiling (to the dismay of whoever is living above her) and trying to forget what she just saw. She knows Christen is going to have to come back at some point, probably with a story full of excuses, but she doesn’t want to see her or hear it. Her best option would probably be trying to fall asleep so no conversation can happen, but that would require not caring about whether or not Christen is okay. And of course, Tobin still cares. So she waits. 

\--

It takes forty minutes for Christen to work up the courage to face her roommate. She figures Tobin would’ve gone to sleep in another room if it weren’t for the fact that Christen would’ve seen her from the hallway. 

She stands up, not bothering to wipe her eyes as she’s probably going to start crying again anyway, and approaches the door. Tobin propped it open with a shoe when she saw Christen’s room key on the dresser. 

The midfielder puts the ball down when she hears the door. “Hi,”

“He’s not my boyfriend.” 

“You sure?”

“I have never been more sure, actually.” 

“Why’d you lie?”

That hurts. Christen deserves it though, she knows. Leave it to Tobin to be so direct. 

“I was worried.” 

“About what?”

“I don’t know.” 

It’s the truth- she really doesn’t know. She doesn’t know why she didn’t just tell Tobin that he was her ex the second his name was mentioned. She doesn’t know why it scared her to death that he would want to re-enter her life right now, right when everything seemed to be falling into place. Right when she finally found someone who makes her want to be in love again, to have someone again. 

And the thought of the boy who broke her heart interacting with the girl who might put it back together is a little too much for her. 

But she doesn’t say any of that out loud. And by the time she snaps back into reality, Tobin has turned off the nightstand lamp and rolled over to face the other side of the room. 

_ Fuck. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> comment and let me know what you think ! this was a short update but i'm gonna try to write and post a lot in the next couple weeks, i just wanna know if anyone still cares abt this little story!!


	5. we're standing on holy ground, so heart, don't fail me now

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i really hit u guys with 2 updates in 1 day (sort of bc it's 3 am now) ! anyway i literally have nothing else to do because college is now online (thanks coronavirus) so i will be posting a LOT more. i have a lot of ideas for the rest of this story so i hope u all like it so far :))

When Christen wakes up Friday morning to an empty room, she’s not surprised, but it still stings. She knows Tobin has every right to be upset, but she wishes she could’ve explained herself. The full story of her past relationship was just too much to bring up in the moment. 

The coaches said everyone could sleep in but they needed to be on the bus for practice by 1 p.m, so most of the girls spend the morning hanging out in their rooms or grabbing coffee down the street. 

Tobin woke up early to go for a walk with Allie. She decides not to say anything about the previous night, mostly because she doesn’t want anybody taking sides or talking about Christen behind her back. Instead, she lets Allie ramble about the guy she’s been talking to, and tries not to feel badly about not bringing her roommate back any coffee or food. 

Christen throws on a sweatshirt and leggings and walks down the hallway to knock on Kelley’s door. She’s not sure if Tobin has already updated anyone on what a terrible person she is, but she hopes that even if Kelley’s heard it from Tobin, she’ll let Christen talk too. 

“Good morning, sunshine!” Kelley grins. Christen smiles, clearly unable to match her friend’s energy. “Oh god, what’s wrong?” 

Kelley is quite observant. 

“I don’t even know where to start, dude.” Christen sits down on one of the beds, noticing that the bathroom door is closed. “Alex isn’t here, right?” 

“Nah, she went to get breakfast with some people but I wasn’t hungry yet. Want her to bring you back something? I think they’re still out.” 

Christen nods and texts Alex to ask. 

“Alright, you can’t just come in here looking all pathetic and then not talk. Go ahead.” Kelley plops down on the other bed, facing the forward. 

“Ben showed up last night.”

“Ben?”

“My ex.” 

“Wait,  _ what? _ ”

“Yeah. He’s staying here with his team to watch the girls’ tournament since the guys’ is next weekend.” 

“Where does he go to school?” 

“Notre Dame. He called me a couple times and I was gonna ignore him but Tobin was confused cause I was just letting my phone ring so I went into the hallway and called him back and then he walked right up to me and I didn’t know what to do.” 

“So what did you do?”

“I hugged him, and of course Tobin came into the hallway at the exact same time, and he fucking called me his ‘girl’ and she was all embarrassed and slammed the door and I yelled at him and made him leave and cried on the floor for a while. And then I went into our room and she asked me why I lied and I just didn’t even know what to say because she’s right, I did lie, but the whole reason I lied was because I didn’t want her to get upset and that happened anyway and she left before I woke up this morning.” 

“Wow, fuck that kid. Sorry if you still like him, but he sounds like a dick.”

“He is. It just took me a long time to accept that. It’s always gonna be hard seeing him and I wasn’t expecting it last night at all. I feel like I finally had something good and I already messed it up.” Christen leans back to lay down on the bed, staring at the ceiling. 

“So what are you gonna do?” 

“Kelley, if I knew what I was gonna do, I wouldn’t be sitting here being pathetic right now.” 

“Fair. I don’t really know, though. I guess if you want to, you can just explain everything to Tobin… I don’t think she could still be upset if she knows you’re freaking out about her feelings.”

“I freak out about everything. It’s one of my favorite hobbies, actually.”

Kelley rolls her eyes. “Tell her how you feel?”

“I feel like it’s too early for that. I barely know how I feel; it wouldn’t be fair to her if I’m confused.” 

“Confused about liking her?” 

“No, I just- I don’t know. I’ve barely been here for two months. I know she makes me feel something, and other people don’t make me feel that way, but I also love being best friends with her. I don’t even know how she feels, especially now. She already barely talked to me all week.” 

“Christen, she barely talked to anyone all week. That’s just Tobin. Last night’s situation is different, but if you wanna work it out, she’ll let you. She’s not gonna hate you.” 

Christen doesn’t say anything for a moment, and soon enough, Alex walks into the room with two coffees in hand. Emily Sonnett follows with two paper bags. 

“Did you guys order a really cute girl and two blueberry muffins? Or am I in the wrong room?” The freshman grins, and Christen snatches the bags from her, laughing. 

“We only ordered one really cute girl, though, so I think one of you has to leave.” Kelley chimes in while Alex shakes her head, handing her a coffee. 

They all chat for a few minutes until Christen decides to go get dressed for training. She figures Tobin might be in the room by now, and tells herself that they are still teammates and friends and whatever interaction they have will hopefully be fine. 

“Hey,” Tobin looks up from her laptop when the door opens. 

“Hi,” Christen ruffles through her suitcase to find her training clothes. “How was breakfast?” 

She fucking hates making small talk with someone who already knows so much about her. 

“Good. Did you eat?”

“Yeah, Alex brought me something.”  _ That wasn’t supposed to be rude. Fuck. _

“Oh, okay, good.” Tobin looks back down at the computer, trying to occupy herself. 

They sit in silence until Carli knocks on the door, reminding them to be downstairs in ten minutes. Tobin stands, zipping up her backpack, then looks in the mirror to put her hair in a ponytail. 

“Can we talk later?” Christen blurts out. 

“I don’t hold grudges, Christen. You don’t have to explain yourself.” 

Christen doesn’t know what to say after that. 

Tobin walks out of the room. 

\--

Tobin is sitting beside Allie when Christen steps onto the bus, so she tries not to look bothered and takes a seat in front of Kelley and Alex. The bus ride is only ten minutes long and the girls jog onto the field, tossing their bags onto the bench and taking a lap to warm up. 

Because they have a game tomorrow, they only do a few light drills and end with a short scrimmage. Tobin runs down the side of the field, calling out to Allie for the ball. Christen sprints back to defend, trying to focus on the game and not her crumbling friendship with the midfielder, but as most things do, it takes over her thoughts and leads to the split-second decision to slide tackle the last person on the field that she would ever want to tackle. 

Tobin goes flying- Christen didn’t even touch the ball; instead, she plowed into Tobin’s ankles. The coaches blow their whistles and all Christen can hear is “what the FUCK, dude?” before she jumps up and realizes what she’s done. 

“I am so sorry, I don’t know what happened, I just-” she reaches out a hand to help Tobin up but the midfielder turns away as Alex walks over to help. 

“Everyone go get some water. I think that’s enough for today, we don’t need any issues tomorrow.” Anson yells, watching an assistant coach attend to Tobin. 

Christen approaches her coach, barely keeping it together. “I’m so sorry, Coach, I didn’t-”

“It’s okay, kid. Don’t sweat it. Happens to the best of us. You know, if you do that tomorrow but a little less violently, it could be huge for us.” 

Leave it to Anson Dorrance to be completely fine with this. 

\-- 

Christen showers when she gets back to the hotel. Tobin’s fine but the coaches made her talk to the athletic trainer in the lobby, just to make sure. Christen stays in the shower for way too long, hoping all her problems will melt away with the water that is hot enough to cook something. 

Unfortunately for her, none of the problems have disappeared once she finally steps back into the room- in fact, they’re right in front of her, in the form of a really beautiful and  _ really  _ angry girl. 

She lets Tobin talk. 

“Why are you out to get me?” 

Christen stares at the floor, trying not to break down. “You don’t really think that, do you?”

“I’m just confused. I know I was being cold this morning but I’m pretty sure I had every right to be annoyed with you. And then you go and tackle me like that? What if I actually got hurt and couldn’t play tomorrow?” Tobin is turning red. Christen doesn’t say anything. “I just don’t get it. I wouldn’t have cared if you just told me up front that the kid was your ex. Even if he didn’t show up last night, I would’ve found out at some point! I want you to be happy, obviously, so if he’s still in your life you don’t have to lie about that either. I’m not gonna judge you-”

Christen can’t take it anymore. “No! Fuck, Tobin, no. He’s not. He isn’t going to be in my life. I didn’t even think I could hate him any more and then all of that happened and I just, god, I don’t know. I don’t want my ex boyfriend to know you because he doesn’t deserve to. I thought if I told you right away, you’d assume I still talked to him, but that day was the first time I texted him in months and all I said was to leave my friend alone.”

She takes a deep breath and continues. “I came here to start over and be with new people and forget about all the shit that’s happened before this. And I lied because I didn’t want you to get upset, but then you still got upset, and I realized that I just messed everything up because I love having you as my best friend and I love spending all my time with you and I didn’t want someone from my past to fuck that up. And then he asked if we were fucking, and I just told him to leave me alone and I can’t believe that I haven’t even known you for two months and you already mean more to me than he ever did.” Christen wipes her eyes and waits for a response, looking for clothes to put on when she realizes she’s still standing there in a towel. 

“He asked if we were fucking?” 

_ Of fucking course that’s what she got out of this.  _

“Yes.” 

“That’s funny.”

“I guess.”

“I’m sorry.” Tobin looks up. Christen meets her eyes. 

“No, I’m sorry. I don’t know what got into me. And I hope you know I didn’t mean to even touch you at practice… I blacked out for a second. I would never want to hurt you.”

“I know. It didn’t hurt that much. I’m just dramatic.” Tobin waits for a smile, and Christen can’t help but give in. 

“I was so embarrassed!” she tosses a pillow in Tobin’s direction and the midfielder swats it away. 

“I should shower, I’m gross. When’s the team dinner?” Tobin stands up, making sure to fling the pillow back. 

“Six, I think.” Christen throws a t-shirt over her sports bra and sits down on her bed. “Do you have plans tonight?” 

“What’s that supposed to mean?” 

“I don’t know, I was just wondering if you told anyone you’d hang out with them.” 

“I did not.”

“Do you wanna hang out with me?” Christen is sure that she sounds like an idiot, but Tobin is loving it. 

“I mean, if I don’t find any better options, I  _ guess  _ I could- Ow!” 

Bullseye- One point for Christen in today’s pillow fight. 

\--

After dinner, a few of the girls gather in Alex and Kelley’s room to play their classic team-bonding game of “never have I ever,” even though it’s October and they’ve already bonded more than they could possibly need to. Tonight they’ve found out that Sydney has been arrested (her mom picked her up at the police station ten minutes later, but it still counts), Allie has met Lionel Messi 3 times, and- to Ali’s dismay- Ashlyn has had a threesome. More than once. She claims she was “experimenting”. 

Around 9 o’clock, everyone heads back to their respective rooms. Team breakfast is at 11, and the game isn’t until 4 p.m., but they’re getting on the bus at 2 to watch Florida State play Clemson. 

“Do you wanna watch something?” Tobin asks as Christen brushes her teeth. 

“Whatever you wanna do,” the forward replies with a mouth full of toothpaste. 

“Can I sit with you?” 

Christen grins as she steps out of the bathroom to see Tobin staring at her bed. 

“Can we stop acting like we’re in middle school? Get in the fucking bed.” 

“You’re hot when you’re mad.” both of their eyes widen and Tobin puts her hand over her mouth. “Did I say that out loud?” 

“Maybe.” Christen is trying  _ so hard  _ to keep it cool right now. She climbs onto the bed and lifts up the covers. “C’mon.” 

Tobin obliges. 

“So what shall we watch?” She turns the TV on. 

“Tell me about your family.” 

Christen is realizing what’s in front of her right now, and she wants it badly. She suddenly wants to know everything there is to know about Tobin Heath, and she wants to know right now, because their hands are close to touching and she loves the sound of that voice and it’s kind of hard to breathe but in a good way and this hasn’t happened to her in her whole entire life. 

“Where should I start?” Tobin smiles. 

“Birth. I don’t know. Just talk. I want to listen.” 

So Tobin talks, and Christen listens, and they sit there and hours go by but it feels like five minutes and then they’re asking questions like “what are your top 3 favorite songs” and “why is mac and cheese so much better in shapes” and nothing has ever felt more right. 

“What time is it?” Christen asks quietly. She doesn’t really want to know, because she doesn’t want this night to end, but the most important game of her UNC career so far is tomorrow and she probably shouldn’t pull an all-nighter. 

“1:30. Could be worse.” Tobin replies after checking her phone. 

“Do you want to go to bed?” 

“Do you?”

“Not really,”

“Then let’s not.” 

“Okay.”

“What’s your biggest fear?”

Christen takes a second to think about it. She’s scared of a lot of things; Tobin knows that. But she’s never really thought about her biggest fear, because all the smaller ones usually occupy her mind. 

“Losing someone I love, I think.” 

“Like if they die?”

“Not necessarily. Just losing a connection with someone completely, I guess. Or realizing that someone meant way more to me than I did to them.” 

“That’s sad.”

“Exactly.” 

“Want to know mine?”

“Tobin Heath is scared of something?” Christen says sarcastically. 

Tobin smiles. “A few things, actually. But I think the scariest thing for me would be not being accepted for who I am.” 

“Like, because you’re gay?” 

“Well yeah, that’s already a weird situation with my family, but also other stuff. Like I’m at this amazing school but I’m really only here for soccer, and that’s like my whole career plan, so if it doesn’t work out, I don’t know what I’m gonna do. And having my parents be disappointed in me after everything they’ve done for me, I don’t know, I can’t even think about it.” 

“Have you ever seen yourself play soccer?” 

“What?” 

“Do you know how much better you are than literally everyone else?” 

“You don’t have to compliment me,”

“I want to. Don’t doubt yourself. You always tell me that, so take your own advice, please. Every single person in your life is rooting for you, and I know you’d never let yourself  _ not  _ make it professionally.” 

“Do you want to go pro?” 

“I haven’t thought about it that much.” 

“You know you could.” 

“Maybe.” 

“We can be on the same team and have a little apartment and it’ll be so much fun!”

“Okay, I’m sold.” 

“That’s what I thought. Who wouldn’t wanna spend every waking moment with me?”

“I know you’re joking, but I would take that opportunity in a heartbeat.” 

“What if we get tired of each other?”

“What if we don’t?” 

“What if we kissed?” 

Christen freezes. She wants to. So badly. But she’s never done this before. Not with a girl, and it probably isn’t that different, but she’s never done this with someone who sends shivers down her spine when their hands brush against each other. It’s never meant this much. And Tobin is laying beside her and their arms are tangled together and she’s never been this nervous in her life but maybe that’s a good thing. 

So she lets out the breath that she’d been holding. “What if we did?”

It’s slow at first. Christen is clearly nervous; she can’t catch her breath, and after a few seconds Tobin leans back. “It’s me, Chris. You’re okay.” 

“Sorry, you’re perfect. It scares me.”

This time, Christen leans in, wrapping a hand around Tobin’s head. She’s thinking that she could do this forever, that she should’ve started kissing girls a long time ago, that it wouldn’t have mattered who she’s ever kissed in her life because nothing compares to this. They take their shirts off slowly, and there seems to be a silent agreement that they’re not going to go further than that- not now. 

They’re not sure how much time has passed when they finally separate; hands intertwined, watching the ceiling fan spin. 

“Do you think I’m cute?” Tobin breaks the silence.

“Nah.” 

Tobin giggles, and within two minutes, they’re passed out- still holding hands, of course.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i know this chapter wasn't too long but i've already started the next one so no one worry, comment and lmk what you think bc it always motivates me when i see people's reactions !


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